12 Random Three-Word Swords

by MugaSofer

With credit for the idea and apologies to Semiurge (directly), Deus Ex Parabola (originally), Phlox, Sundered World etc. Words taken from this random generator. 

1. Cowboy Hobby Profit: this shortsword has a simple, broad, leaf-shaped blade that will stand out to those familiar with such things as suited for skinning large animals. The handle is of pain unvarnished wood, with no guard. Fused into the handle, however, is an elaborate contraption of shining steel – if you can find a gun-smith, they will identify it as a beautiful and highly advanced revolver. The protruding revolver handle and trigger guard lends itself to spinning the sword around your finger in elaborate tricks. If the blade is used to skin a creature, a phantom rider dressed in leathers will appear and offer 10% of the creature’s normal treasure for the skin, either in silver pieces or in explosive powder. 

2. Tasty India Trap: the blade of this sword is blackened and oily brass that resists all attempts to clean it; but the handle shines, inlaid with gold and ivory depictions of stylized beasts devouring each other. If the sword is exposed to flame, such as if the wielder is attacked with fire damage (hit or miss), the oil on the blade begins to sizzle and exude a smell of delicious spices. Anyone nearby (20′ range) who has not tasted the blade must make a Will save or attempt to do so, including the owner; treat attempting to taste it under this compulsion as making a normal attack on themselves with the sword.

3. Ice Comet Ketchup: This sword is made from a single, seamless chunk of diamond; the handle is hollow and contains a sparkling arrangement of copper and unidentifiable gemstones, some of which glow faintly. It is slightly too large for any human hand to wield comfortably (-1 penalty.) In any cold conditions sufficient to damage a human wielder, the blade begins to burn with a strange white fire (deal the damage of any successful attack again in fire damage) and slowly drips with blood-red liquid. The liquid, and anything killed by the white flame, is delicious and perfectly to the wielder’s tastes (neutralizes poison.) The sword is sapient, but speaks Common poorly, and babbles endlessly about men from the stars when spoken to.

4. Chair Skirt Loop: this rapier resembles a large steel wand or needle – its point deals Piercing damage excellently, but it has no edge to speak of. The bare steel handle has a circular guard of wrought iron twisted into stars and runes. If the sword comes in contact with any Large or smaller object that could be loosely defined as a chair, that object is transformed into a feminine golem of the same material for 24 hours (living targets get a save vs wands.) The golem will endlessly obey any simple instruction from whoever holds the sword. The sword cannot transform anything more until the current transformation has worn off.

5. Scorpion Psychiatrist Beer: this sword is a single huge, curved shard of glass. Someone has helpfully wrapped leather around one end to form a handle. The blade is very thick and solid glass but still fairly delicate; it begins as a two-handed longsword, but each time it is damaged (bearer fumbles, sword is deliberately hit with an attack) the end snaps off and it is reduced to a smaller type of sword (if it is damaged after being reduced to a dagger, it is destroyed.) A living scorpion rides the top of the handle and drips psychoactive poison down the blade; anyone cut must save vs poison or experience a hallucinatory trip that makes them rethink their current lifestyle.

6. Vote Star Shampoo!: this two-handed longsword is one half of an enormous pair of scissors. The blade is coated in a faintly glowing oil which deals 1d6 Poison and 1d6 Radiant damage to anyone cut. If applied to hair, such as by using the blade to cut hair, rubbing it against one’s head, or striking a hairy body part, it grants +6 Charisma until washed off. If multiple characters under the effect are present, split the bonus between them.

7. Parish Nappy Train: this simple steel shortsword is inlaid all over with golden script praising a god of fertility and images of cherubic infants. Everyone who sees it is filled with the certain knowledge that, if they allow it to pierce them, they will be impregnated with a healthy and happy infant. This is true. Anyone unwillingly pierced with the sword has 1d10 damage healed by it’s merciful divine aura.

8. Weather Finance Prophet: this blunt sword is made entirely of pure gold. It deals damage as a club plus 1d8 lightning damage. Anyone who willingly grasps the blade takes 1d8 lightning damage and receives a valuable vision of broad future trends for the next month; a storm that local farmers will pay to be warned of, a shift in the markets that could make you money if exploited, a coming invasion, etc. The visions will remain largely the same on future attempts until the prophesied event has passed or the sword is taken out of the region where the event will happen. 

9. Tractor Pile Chips: these twin swords each have a curved blade, resembling a scythe-blade that has been removed from the scythe and affixed to a handle of the same material. Both blade and handle are made of indestructible green metal inlaid with copper runes, and the blade is uncannily sharp, dealing +2 slashing damage. The tip and the base of the handles are melted, twisted and blackened, as if removed from something larger with unimaginable force. The swords are sapient and wish to be reunited with the rest of themself, including each other, but do not remember what they once were. They do, however, have an encyclopedic knowledge of agriculture and botany.

10. Pudding Coat Ticket: the rectangular metal blade of this sword will magically fit inside any pocket, despite its length. Tied through a hole on one end is an extremely long strip of cloth, which has been wound around the end over and over to form a comfortable handle. Both the length of the blade and what can be seen of the cloth strip are covered in arcane sigils. All oozes somehow recognize the symbols and will not attack the bearer under any circumstances; although smaller oozes may harmlessly climb on them and attempt to ride them around.

11. Altar Law Migraine: this sword defies description. Anyone who attempts to remember or describe its appearance takes 1d4 psychic damage per attempt. All they are left with is an impossible idea of a sword made of laws and words and duty. Once per day, the wielder can impose a virtuous Geas on one target by touching them with the sword. If they attempt to impose an immoral Geas, or go a full day without imposing a Geas, the sword will impose one on the wielder.

12. Bullet Priest Ballroom: this cutlass is carved from a single piece of bone or ivory. The blade has holes through it containing carvings of dancing figures. When swung, air whistles through the holes; if swung in the correct pattern (discoverable with a few minutes’ experimentation) it will play a tune which conjures curved ivory walls in all empty space 60′ from the wielder for as long as they keep playing it. Playing the tune does not prevent attacking. The walls are carved with ivory Dancers which clarify as the song progresses; each round the tune plays, one will pull free from the wall and attack indiscriminately (stats as a Monk of same level as wielder armed with a crossbow.) If the song ends for any reason, both walls and Dancers vanish.